Sweet Sorrow

Yesterday was Kourtney's day. It was a day filled with emotions & feelings: hard; painful; heart-wrenching; mourning; loss; grief. There were also other feelings & emotions present: caring; comfort; tenderness; faith; hope; gratitude. But mostly there was love, family and friends - and that makes it all bearable.

I was humbled and awestruck by the outpouring of love and support for Kourtney, Dan, Kazia, Kadrey, & Jaxon. Not only for them, but also for the extended family. It was an amazing day! So many people came, many of them strangers to me. In my little world I sometimes forget that my kids have lives, friends and co-workers of their own. It was wonderful to see so many of them there to lend support.

I was most especially touched as, at the end of the graveside service, each of my children spontaneously walked up, hugged Kazia and held her in their arms. It isn't always something they do with each other.

One small little precious girl with a huge marvelous spirit, whose powerful presence and silent sermons have touched our lives for good, changed our hearts forever, taught us to value what is really important, inspired us, and motivated us to be better people. Truly, she is a gift directly from the loving arms of God. Now, having perfectly completed her mortal tasks, she is safely back in those same loving arms from whence she came.

Our lives will never be the same, but today is a new day - we all need to adjust and find a new sense of what is 'normal' for us. I have every confidence that with faith in God, hope for the future, & courage to live each day the very best way we can, we all will move forward with peace & purpose - and with love in our hearts. Time will pass, but our loving memories will always keep us closely connected to our precious angel Kourtney.

On the Wings of Angels

Our sweet angel, Kourtney, passed away at home this afternoon (Saturday), cradled in the arms of her loving mother. She returned to the loving embrace of her Heavenly Father, from whence she came.

We love her, miss her terribly, mourn her passing, and grieve at the loss of her amazing presence with us. The good news is that we know God's plan for us, and the promise of eternal life together as a family gives us the faith, hope and comfort to carry on.

Kourtney and I didn't get to spend much time together, but in those precious few times it was obvious to me that she is an elect and very special daughter of our Heavenly Father. The combination of her strong spirit so full of goodness, her steadfast determination to successfully complete her earthly mission, and the love that is her very essence left no doubt.

During the eight short months she was with us Kourtney taught us lessons about life and love, inspired us to be better, and motivated us to do those things that will allow us to live together as a family in the eternities.

We are now temporarily separated, but we will keep her in our minds and hearts. I believe she will be keeping a special watch over Dan, Kazia, Kadrey and Jaxon until they can be together again.

The older I get it becomes ever more evident to me how little I really understand. Oh, to be twenty again and know everything! This realization makes me so grateful for the power of faith and the promise of hope. Today has been one of the hardest, and also one of the best days of my life. I feel my Savior's love...

Whirlwind Week

It's been a really busy week, at least compared to my normal routine the last several years. Last Sunday I was able to go to my own ward for the first time in eight years. It was so cool just to be there with the babies crying, kids barfing, and all of the other usual distractions. Nonetheless, there was a vibrance that was both refreshing and comforting - to be there with people who share the same desires and convictions and to "meet with the saints" made me realize how much I have missed that whole experience. I've committed to myself to do all I can to attend every week. Hopefully as my strength and endurance improves I'll be able to last for the entire three hour block.

Monday Dan & Kazia had to take Kourtney (pictured here)back to the hospital due to pneumonia. Her left lung is filled with fluid and partially collapsed, the left not great either. My friend Blair and his Suburban came and hauled me to the hospital (as a visitor, not a patient for the first time in many years) so that I could see Kourtney and give her a blessing. What a great experience to be there and feel the strength and steadfast determination of her sweet spirit. Truly, she is one of the elect of our Heavenly Father.

Thursday was 'go to the doctor' day. It was worth it because they decided that I'd had enough antibiotic to to kill off the invaders. That took ten minutes, then another hour passed while they were trying to determine who was authorized to remove my pic line. Can health care get any worse? Anyway, Saturday the nurse came and yanked it out and "I feel Good" (sing along!) now.

Saturday we attended the general conference priesthood meeting. I could have watched it in real-time on the internet, but this was much better. Again, it was wonderful to be a part of the group and to enjoy not only the meeting, but the spirit of brotherhood that was there. Best of all, it was the first time I have been there with Bryan & Tony. A special day!

Today everyone came over for enchiladas between conference sessions. It was great to have almost everyone together - for the first time in quite a while. At the top is a picture of the other four grandkids. We had a good time.


To highlight the week, the kids took me for a "walk" this afternoon. We spent about two hours out in the neighborhood. It was fun to get reacquainted with the area. The sun was great, and it was fun to watch the kids, the grandkids and the dogs playing and having fun.

These are the things that that make the daily struggle to get stronger and better worth all of the effort.

Together Forever

Oops! Bumps in the Road

OK - so who knew that vigilance is ever required to protect one's belly-button from enemy invaders? Maybe that's why little kids suck their thumbs with one hand and patrol their navels with the other.

Apparently some nasty bacteria were rollicking on my stomach, ventured too close to the 'black hole', fell into the abyss, couldn't climb out, so decided to dig their way out via China. The result was a trip to the emergency room and a five-day stay at the same hospital that was trying to kill me last summer (at least that's how I remember it). Actually, there was an upside to the experience: I got to meet a lot of the people who worked on me in August. Most of them seemed genuinely pleased to see me, although I think all of them were shocked and amazed that I am still alive. It was very interesting.

Even though I am trying hard to be a kinder, gentler me, I still have this little dark place deep down that is hoping that the doctors who spent two weeks trying to convince Roz to withdraw life support rather than working to heal me, are choking on it right now. (Sorry, had to get it out of my system!)

I have some sort of rogue type A strep that showed up as cellulitis over a big portion of my stomach - Does that mean it's a double-big bug? Who knows? It had started to overwhelm my system, but I'm feeling pretty much back to normal (not sure if that's good or bad) now. I have to shoot myself full of antibiotics every six hours for the next two weeks or so using the latest dual-ported pic line, complete with dangly pigtail extensions so I can perform the procedure by myself. Not too sexy, but it beats the other option, which was to go to a skilled nursing facility and hang out there for a couple of weeks - I don't think so...

Anyway, back to work! The weather is getting better. The warmth and sunshine are calling. Kadrey & Jaxson will be playing soccer & T-ball soon, and I plan to be there to watch. The family reunion is set for mid-July and I don't plan to be laying here in bed for it. Onward and upward!

Most Excellent Days!

When I came out of a month-long coma last September, my driving thoughts were of my family. I felt an overwhelming desire to be more involved in their lives, and to be able to participate with them. These are the things that have motivated me to keep working to get better.

When I came home from the hospital in December I was able to see and hold my three new grandchildren who had been born while I was hospitalized. A most excellent day!

In January I was able to attend the high school play where my son, Bryan, played in the pit orchestra. It was the first time I have been able to watch him perform in any of his many activities. A most excellent day!

Friday I watched my two oldest grandchildren (by myself) while Kazia and Dan took Kourtney to Primary Children's for her echocardiogram. I made peanut butter sandwiches for Kadrey & Jaxon and we sat at the kitchen counter eating, talking and laughing together. Even though it was a tough day with news that Kourtney has hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, lunch with the kids was a most excellent moment!

Today we went to church at Geoff and Heidi's ward, and I was able, for the very first time, to be in the circle while one of my grandchildren was blessed as Geoff blessed Houston. A most excellent day!

These are the experiences I cherish, that I fought to live for, that I work every day to have more of.

I write this more for myself, so that on those days that my knees hurt too much to even bend them, let alone walk, my body is screaming at me in protest, or my mind is in the wrong place - I will remember why it is worth it to suck it up and just do it. I think that all of us need to build into our daily routines some time to reflect on the things that make it all worthwhile. I'm sure that most of you already do that, but it hasn't been something I have done on a regular basis. It helps me.

I have been overwhelmed today by feelings of gratitude for so many blessings given to me by my loving Heavenly Father... A most excellent day!

Poem - "La Lucha"

(Lucha is a fight, wrestle and/or struggle) I hope you enjoy it.

"La Lucha"

Dark mists swirling;
Fiery darts hurling;
Obfuscate; Denigrate;
Exacerbate; Suffocate.

Confusion reigns;
Will strains;
Strength drains;
Hope wanes.

Just give in,
Let darkness win.
Why fight? Let go!
Who cares? No... NO!

A rod, and the light;
Continue to fight.
Never, Never give in!
Hold on! YOU CAN WIN!

- JFM