Sweet Sorrow

Yesterday was Kourtney's day. It was a day filled with emotions & feelings: hard; painful; heart-wrenching; mourning; loss; grief. There were also other feelings & emotions present: caring; comfort; tenderness; faith; hope; gratitude. But mostly there was love, family and friends - and that makes it all bearable.

I was humbled and awestruck by the outpouring of love and support for Kourtney, Dan, Kazia, Kadrey, & Jaxon. Not only for them, but also for the extended family. It was an amazing day! So many people came, many of them strangers to me. In my little world I sometimes forget that my kids have lives, friends and co-workers of their own. It was wonderful to see so many of them there to lend support.

I was most especially touched as, at the end of the graveside service, each of my children spontaneously walked up, hugged Kazia and held her in their arms. It isn't always something they do with each other.

One small little precious girl with a huge marvelous spirit, whose powerful presence and silent sermons have touched our lives for good, changed our hearts forever, taught us to value what is really important, inspired us, and motivated us to be better people. Truly, she is a gift directly from the loving arms of God. Now, having perfectly completed her mortal tasks, she is safely back in those same loving arms from whence she came.

Our lives will never be the same, but today is a new day - we all need to adjust and find a new sense of what is 'normal' for us. I have every confidence that with faith in God, hope for the future, & courage to live each day the very best way we can, we all will move forward with peace & purpose - and with love in our hearts. Time will pass, but our loving memories will always keep us closely connected to our precious angel Kourtney.

On the Wings of Angels

Our sweet angel, Kourtney, passed away at home this afternoon (Saturday), cradled in the arms of her loving mother. She returned to the loving embrace of her Heavenly Father, from whence she came.

We love her, miss her terribly, mourn her passing, and grieve at the loss of her amazing presence with us. The good news is that we know God's plan for us, and the promise of eternal life together as a family gives us the faith, hope and comfort to carry on.

Kourtney and I didn't get to spend much time together, but in those precious few times it was obvious to me that she is an elect and very special daughter of our Heavenly Father. The combination of her strong spirit so full of goodness, her steadfast determination to successfully complete her earthly mission, and the love that is her very essence left no doubt.

During the eight short months she was with us Kourtney taught us lessons about life and love, inspired us to be better, and motivated us to do those things that will allow us to live together as a family in the eternities.

We are now temporarily separated, but we will keep her in our minds and hearts. I believe she will be keeping a special watch over Dan, Kazia, Kadrey and Jaxon until they can be together again.

The older I get it becomes ever more evident to me how little I really understand. Oh, to be twenty again and know everything! This realization makes me so grateful for the power of faith and the promise of hope. Today has been one of the hardest, and also one of the best days of my life. I feel my Savior's love...

Whirlwind Week

It's been a really busy week, at least compared to my normal routine the last several years. Last Sunday I was able to go to my own ward for the first time in eight years. It was so cool just to be there with the babies crying, kids barfing, and all of the other usual distractions. Nonetheless, there was a vibrance that was both refreshing and comforting - to be there with people who share the same desires and convictions and to "meet with the saints" made me realize how much I have missed that whole experience. I've committed to myself to do all I can to attend every week. Hopefully as my strength and endurance improves I'll be able to last for the entire three hour block.

Monday Dan & Kazia had to take Kourtney (pictured here)back to the hospital due to pneumonia. Her left lung is filled with fluid and partially collapsed, the left not great either. My friend Blair and his Suburban came and hauled me to the hospital (as a visitor, not a patient for the first time in many years) so that I could see Kourtney and give her a blessing. What a great experience to be there and feel the strength and steadfast determination of her sweet spirit. Truly, she is one of the elect of our Heavenly Father.

Thursday was 'go to the doctor' day. It was worth it because they decided that I'd had enough antibiotic to to kill off the invaders. That took ten minutes, then another hour passed while they were trying to determine who was authorized to remove my pic line. Can health care get any worse? Anyway, Saturday the nurse came and yanked it out and "I feel Good" (sing along!) now.

Saturday we attended the general conference priesthood meeting. I could have watched it in real-time on the internet, but this was much better. Again, it was wonderful to be a part of the group and to enjoy not only the meeting, but the spirit of brotherhood that was there. Best of all, it was the first time I have been there with Bryan & Tony. A special day!

Today everyone came over for enchiladas between conference sessions. It was great to have almost everyone together - for the first time in quite a while. At the top is a picture of the other four grandkids. We had a good time.


To highlight the week, the kids took me for a "walk" this afternoon. We spent about two hours out in the neighborhood. It was fun to get reacquainted with the area. The sun was great, and it was fun to watch the kids, the grandkids and the dogs playing and having fun.

These are the things that that make the daily struggle to get stronger and better worth all of the effort.

Together Forever

Oops! Bumps in the Road

OK - so who knew that vigilance is ever required to protect one's belly-button from enemy invaders? Maybe that's why little kids suck their thumbs with one hand and patrol their navels with the other.

Apparently some nasty bacteria were rollicking on my stomach, ventured too close to the 'black hole', fell into the abyss, couldn't climb out, so decided to dig their way out via China. The result was a trip to the emergency room and a five-day stay at the same hospital that was trying to kill me last summer (at least that's how I remember it). Actually, there was an upside to the experience: I got to meet a lot of the people who worked on me in August. Most of them seemed genuinely pleased to see me, although I think all of them were shocked and amazed that I am still alive. It was very interesting.

Even though I am trying hard to be a kinder, gentler me, I still have this little dark place deep down that is hoping that the doctors who spent two weeks trying to convince Roz to withdraw life support rather than working to heal me, are choking on it right now. (Sorry, had to get it out of my system!)

I have some sort of rogue type A strep that showed up as cellulitis over a big portion of my stomach - Does that mean it's a double-big bug? Who knows? It had started to overwhelm my system, but I'm feeling pretty much back to normal (not sure if that's good or bad) now. I have to shoot myself full of antibiotics every six hours for the next two weeks or so using the latest dual-ported pic line, complete with dangly pigtail extensions so I can perform the procedure by myself. Not too sexy, but it beats the other option, which was to go to a skilled nursing facility and hang out there for a couple of weeks - I don't think so...

Anyway, back to work! The weather is getting better. The warmth and sunshine are calling. Kadrey & Jaxson will be playing soccer & T-ball soon, and I plan to be there to watch. The family reunion is set for mid-July and I don't plan to be laying here in bed for it. Onward and upward!

Most Excellent Days!

When I came out of a month-long coma last September, my driving thoughts were of my family. I felt an overwhelming desire to be more involved in their lives, and to be able to participate with them. These are the things that have motivated me to keep working to get better.

When I came home from the hospital in December I was able to see and hold my three new grandchildren who had been born while I was hospitalized. A most excellent day!

In January I was able to attend the high school play where my son, Bryan, played in the pit orchestra. It was the first time I have been able to watch him perform in any of his many activities. A most excellent day!

Friday I watched my two oldest grandchildren (by myself) while Kazia and Dan took Kourtney to Primary Children's for her echocardiogram. I made peanut butter sandwiches for Kadrey & Jaxon and we sat at the kitchen counter eating, talking and laughing together. Even though it was a tough day with news that Kourtney has hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, lunch with the kids was a most excellent moment!

Today we went to church at Geoff and Heidi's ward, and I was able, for the very first time, to be in the circle while one of my grandchildren was blessed as Geoff blessed Houston. A most excellent day!

These are the experiences I cherish, that I fought to live for, that I work every day to have more of.

I write this more for myself, so that on those days that my knees hurt too much to even bend them, let alone walk, my body is screaming at me in protest, or my mind is in the wrong place - I will remember why it is worth it to suck it up and just do it. I think that all of us need to build into our daily routines some time to reflect on the things that make it all worthwhile. I'm sure that most of you already do that, but it hasn't been something I have done on a regular basis. It helps me.

I have been overwhelmed today by feelings of gratitude for so many blessings given to me by my loving Heavenly Father... A most excellent day!

Poem - "La Lucha"

(Lucha is a fight, wrestle and/or struggle) I hope you enjoy it.

"La Lucha"

Dark mists swirling;
Fiery darts hurling;
Obfuscate; Denigrate;
Exacerbate; Suffocate.

Confusion reigns;
Will strains;
Strength drains;
Hope wanes.

Just give in,
Let darkness win.
Why fight? Let go!
Who cares? No... NO!

A rod, and the light;
Continue to fight.
Never, Never give in!
Hold on! YOU CAN WIN!

- JFM

It's Monday - Smile!

I've been looking through some of my files and stumbled across this little gem. I hope that it'll make you smile:

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. (Oh, so true, but not so hilarious the last few months)
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rockingchair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom can comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is....... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . ..having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . ... having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Health & Progress Report

Thanks for asking how I'm doing. It's really nice to feel your caring and concern. Here's how I am:

I've been home from the hospital for two months. I saw the doctor Wednesday and he seemed very pleased with my general health and progress. I'd been without my blood pressure medication since Sunday, but it was 124/76 when they hooked me up. I had some blood drawn so they could run some tests; my lungs are strong; kidneys are good; blood sugar levels rarely go above125, unless I've eaten rice, potatoes or pasta. I guess I'm OK.

I was pretty agitated with my weight, however; no, that's not true - I was mad as hell! It was virtually unchanged from when I left the hospital. I know that I've been getting smaller just by the way my clothes are fitting, how much more roomy my wheelchair is, people who see me talking about how much thinner I look, etc... so I was expecting a better result.

It was especially hard to take because I been through a series of strength tests with my physical therapist earlier that day ( to re-certify for continuing the home P.T.) and she was telling me how amazed she was by the huge improvement in all of the tests, and that she could see a big difference in my body as well. Needless to say, it was not the news I thought I'd hear.

I did go into a bit of an emotional dive, but I tried to fight it off and not let it get the best of me; still, it's been kickin' my butt. Yesterday the physical therapist asked about the doctor appointment so I told her. In her best PhD-speak lingo she basically said that I've been trading fat for muscle these last two months, and that muscle is heavier than fat. Duh!! I suppose I'm happy that somebody understands it - I'm not sure I'm buying it yet. The good thing is that I haven't crashed and burned over it. I know that I've been working hard and giving it my best. I've decided that while the scales don't lie, They can't necessarily tell the whole story, either.

I keep working at it each day. I push myself to do more. I am making wise choices about eating. I allow myself a "free choice" every so often to eat something I've been craving, without beating up on myself later over it. Believe it or not, it's helping me stay in control and satisfied with the radical changes I've made in the way I am eating and living.

All of that combines to keep me moving forward with faith & hope. I have fantastic family encouragement and support. Friends are very encouraging. The health care folks are great. I feel like I am still being watched over, cared for and protected by people from beyond this veiled existence, for which I am most grateful.

That's all for now.

Stirring the Pot

The last several days have been kind of interesting. Early last Sunday morning 8-10 shots were fired in rapid succession within about a hundred feet of our house. Wish I could say it was the first time it had happened, but then I'd be a big fat liar. So the police came, looked around, and told one of the neighbors that it was just a BB gun. Wrong! - especially since the neighbor found shell casings scattered on the ground later that morning.

The whole thing got me all riled up. I spent Sunday and Monday trying decide what, if anything, I could do about it. I finally decided to do something that I'm reasonably good at, which is to instigate, irritate and aggravate. I wrote an "Open Letter to Ogden" which I began sending out by email Wednesday morning at about 9:00. (If you feel compelled to read it, here is a link to the letter, which was posted by the local newspaper on its web page Friday morning. If you don't want to, that's ok too.)
http://www.standard.net/live/opinion/flowersanddarts/165012/

So, by 10:30 I had received two emails from the mayor, calls and emails from Police officials, and a detective had been assigned to follow-up on the 'shots fired' report. Throughout the day I heard back from the mayor again, more police & city officials, educators, friends, etc. I'll admit that I wanted to stir things up a bit, the responses have surprised me. People seem to be thinking and talking about the state of our city and what can be done, which is what I was hoping would happen. I've had dozens of calls and emails about it since Wednesday. Maybe one voice can make a difference!

I'm a Noob, I think ?!

I'm not sure what that means, but it seems to be a favorite term of my 15-year-old. I think it means I'm a rookie, which I am when it comes to blogging. This is my first attempt, so please bear with me. It has only taken me three hours to set up the page, and this is my second try at my first post. The other one vanished right in front of me - I have no clue where it went!

My plan, he said optimistically, will be to write about things that don't normally come up as part of our daily routine. I want my family, friends and any other interested parties to know more about how I feel about stuff. I think that maybe I spend most of my time acting and talking like a dad and a grandpa without letting them know me, the person. I want them to know what I'm thinking (About now I can see Roz shaking her head in horror and disbelief as she considers the possibilities of where this fiasco will lead!). I am not sure how important that is, but many times I think about my parents and grandparents and wonder what they were really like.

I know things about my parents, but mostly the things that they wanted me to know. Some of the more every-day feelings only slipped out when their guards were down. I often wonder what they thought about while their minds were out skipping through the pa-pa patch. Being the youngest child of the youngest child, my grandparents were way old by the time I arrived on the scene. I don't know anything about them beyond what one might read in an obituary. So, at the tender age of 54, I am making my first serious attempt at a journal, of sorts. (Yeah, I know that I should have been doing it all along, but it joins my lengthy list of "Should Have But Didn't"!)



I must sleep now. Stay tuned...